THE principal of a celebrated school I attended used to say, "Girls, go through a wilderness." Whether she was right or not I do not know, but the words were somewhat of a comfort to me, for they expressed just what life seemed to me. I could not understand things. Somehow I could not enjoy myself, I was so self-conscious, and always was so, and even as a child did not sleep well. I wondered if other people felt as I did, and as I grew older and noticed others laugh and seem happy, I would say to myself, "How do they do it?"
Although I was much with other people, I lived my own life apart,—in my thoughts,—and no one ever said to me, "What thinkest thou?" Being studious and quiet, I was considered a good child, and no one interfered with me. Hence the bias of my mortal nature grew stronger and stronger, as "Evil let alone" will do. (Miscellaneous Writings, p. 284.) As I grew older and went into society the wilderness did not lighten. I now know I was making it deeper and deeper all the time. I made few friends, was too self-centered for that. As time passed I seemed to be always tired, became nervous, bewailed my fate, and gradually invalidism became my lot. I was always trying to find out what was the matter with me, but never could. What I did not try it would be difficult to say, including travel and two rest cures, electricity and massage. If only my physician had said, "You have such a disease and cannot get well," that would have gratified me; for after years of what might be called "rusting," life had become as a dark night. I did say with Job, "I loathe it." No loving friend brought me Science and Health, in seeking I at last found it. It was in December, 1896, that I first began to read it and became at once intensely interested. I was much alone, and the reading of that book was my principal occupation that winter,—I may say, ever since. Although my understanding of it was very dim, I began to improve. Life had an object, there was nothing to be gained by dying. Soon I could do more, and go more, and my eyes, which had always troubled me, greatly improved. All this came by reading the book. My friends saw a change in me and were glad. Attending the services of a large church began with the reading of the book. I heard wonderful things, and usually came from the meeting disturbed, because I had had no such experience. After five months' reading alone I began treatment, and after some weeks was greatly surprised that I experienced no delightful change, either in mind or body. A struggling summer followed,—a great sorrow came,—most of the time absent treatment was kept up, but the fall brought with it no wonderful healing. Then I changed my healer, and later went for the winter to a distant city, where again for the greater part of five months I had treatment. You may ask what did you want to be healed of? Why, I felt very far from "every whit whole;" did not seem to grow in the understanding of the Science, and still slept but little; but above all the same old mental oppression and depression continued. I was disheartened, still I was impelled to keep on. It would be unnecessary to tell more of the way I had to come; it seemed cheerless. But every now and then I would see better how to fight, and though the times were far apart, I kept on seeing. One day I read in an old Journal some articles on "Malicious Animal Magnetism" by Mary Baker G. Eddy, and others, which helped me greatly.
It is now over five years since I began to read Science and Health. I have had much experience and learned much; and if I am not mistaken there are signs that I am approaching the edge of the wilderness. Sometimes the birds sing (spiritual joy), and I thought that before it grew so very bright that in the fulness of joy I might forget the small beginnings, I would write this to cheer some one to whom it yet seems night.
