I was suddenly forced to drop everything in my well-ordered life. I'd begun to experience a debilitating internal condition, and it was affecting my legs, stomach, and bowels. I knew I could depend on God for healing, as I had in the past. But I also felt I needed to have a higher motive for praying, more than just desiring a physical healing. I wanted to get to know God better.
For inspiration I studied the Bible, as well the writings of Mary Baker Eddy. Mrs. Eddy, who looked to the Bible as her authority, put forth the idea that if creation represents its Creator—a perfect, all-powerful, and all-good God—then each individual, expressing his or her Creator, must be spiritually perfect as well. Mrs. Eddy also defined God as divine Life and Love. It helped me to see God in this way, because life seemed to be what I was losing, and Love was what I needed to lean on for comfort during this difficult time.
Although I felt uplifted by what I was learning about God, I kept wondering what had caused the condition. Had I done something wrong or had I been a bad person? I knew that prayer could help me to evaluate my past differently. Because it had been God's power—never my own—that had resolved past hurts, I knew I could finally let go of unpleasant memories. But I needed additional help, so I asked a Christian Science practitioner to pray with me. At one point, she helped me see that my focus shouldn't be on what might have caused the illness or on the fear that I might not deserve to be healed, but simply on understanding God's allness. It became clear to me that good was a law of God. I didn't somehow need to set that law in motion; I could rest on that natural law. This realization took away a great deal of the fear of the symptoms.
