Three years ago I was as great a sufferer as lived; now I scarcely know what suffering is. I was never considered strong from a child. After I was married and our first boy came to us, I never knew a well day. Our physician said there was but one means of relief from the constant pain,—an operation. We dreaded this, and went from one specialist to another, always hoping for the relief that never came. The terrible suffering which I was never free from day or night, had so undermined my strength, that I was a mere wreck. I thought at first our trips south helped me, but found it was but the change of thought and scene, and in a few weeks I was as discouraged as ever.
After fifteen years of this experience under the constant care of physicians, I went to St. Louis to undergo the operation, as I could stand it no longer. After weeks at the sanatorium where they found it necessary to perform two operations, I was taken home, in many respects in worse condition than before, and after eight months of constant suffering, which at times seemed too great to bear, having had not one night's sleep except through opiates, I at last heard of Christian Science, through a lady who boarded at the same house. She often spoke of it to me, and told me of her own marvelous healing, but I had no faith in anything at that time.
The physical suffering was nothing compared to the mental condition I was in. There were chronic beliefs from childhood, others of heredity that I believed could only end in death. At this time the physician told my husband that he knew from the condition I was in, that I had not been free from pain for one moment in years, that it was almost impossible to do anything for me, as the troubles were chronic. After much urging, by the Scientist whom I had met, and after I had seen what to me seemed a most wonderful demonstration in the house, I began to wonder if there could be help for me through this Science. One day she said to me, "Oh, I do wish you would try Science. I know it would help you, and you can't go on much longer like this. You don't know how dreadfully you look." I asked, "Will it help me mentally? Will it give me peace?" "Yes," she said; "it will." She urged me to try one treatment. I did, that afternoon.
Never shall I forget the rest and quiet that came at once, during that silent treatment. The "Peace, be still!" was spoken that stilled the storm of mortal mind, that every one around me knew would soon have burst all bounds. I slept all that night, and have never lost a night's sleep since; never for one moment since that first treatment have I doubted that Christian Science is the Truth. In six treatments I was told I needed no more help, it was for me now to work out my own salvation. To do this I must learn to know God aright. I determined to make this Truth, that makes free, my own. I read and studied well-nigh day and night. Of course I can now see that all this intensity, this determination to do, had to go out through the fire of regeneration and reformation. I had to learn, the, to me, most difficult of all lessons,—the art of letting go. My favorite and most helpful passage is, "Be still, and know that I am God." It is but within the last few months that I have realized why this has come to me so many times in hours of trial.
It is little more than three years since I first heard of Christian Science, and as we moved soon after I was healed, I found that I must indeed work out my salvation alone with God. Many have been the trials and struggles, but for every one of them I can say as Paul did, I am thankful for them, they were the propelling power that sent me out of self into a higher, better understanding of Principle. Our Leader tells us we need not fear trials and persecution, for they are but "proofs of God's care," and if we are honest and earnest we are given the understanding and strength to rise above every seeming care.
Words cannot tell what Christian Science is to me. For the relief from years of suffering, I am indeed thankful, but to me this is the very smallest part. It is for the peace, the knowledge and understanding that God is an everpresent help in every time of need in the daily life, that I am most thankful. Through this understanding I have been able to overcome much, both in our own family and for others. The very first proof I had of God's help was a great blessing to me, for I saw then that it was not any power that some one person had, but was indeed an impersonal help. Our little son was taken very ill in the night. I was not at home at the time, and my husband said when he came for me, "Raymond is very sick, burning with fever and delirious." We had always gone in great haste for a doctor, as he was always a very sick boy when these spells came. It was but a few weeks since I was first helped, but I could never again think of a doctor. It seemed a long way to go for a Scientist, and indeed I was afraid to suggest going for one, for fear my husband would call on the doctor instead, as one lived next door; so I said I would stay with Raymond, that I was sure he would soon be better, and asked my husband to go to bed.
I thought if I could only get to the Scientist who helped me, but I could not; then the thought came, "God is no respecter of persons;" that thought helped me; then came, He is an ever-present help, He is All power. I felt if this is true there is really nothing to fear, and I had better find out if this is fear. As this was what Science and Health taught, that was the place to go for the information I needed. So I sat down with Science and Health, and the Bible, and sought for the help I felt sure must be there. I became so absorbed in what I was reading, that I forgot all about the claim, and about half an hour afterwards I was roused, as it were, and turning to the bed saw that the burning fever had disappeared, and instead of moaning and tossing about, the child was quietly sleeping. Oh, the relief and quiet peace I felt. I again went on with my reading, forgetting everything else. When again I remembered that there had seemed to be a very sick boy, I arose and went to the bed to find him perfectly well, a gentle perspiration had broken out, his hair, as I brushed it back, was wet, not a sign of illness. "While they are yet speaking I will heal." I can never tell what this meant to me, I knew I had found God indeed, and I felt awed, for now I knew that God was of a truth with us, a help in every time of need. Learning as I did then that this help was impersonal and ever-present, I am amazed that I could ever have made so many mistakes, that the many trials and struggles were necessary to bring me to the quiet realization of this wonderful Truth.
I could tell of many instantaneous demonstrations, but we all know that nothing is impossible with God. I will speak of one demonstration that did more to convince us that this is true than anything that we have ever seen. Our youngest child was born with the most disfiguring nails; it was a birth mark. Each nail on his toes was more like a hoof than a toe-nail, thick, rough, and discolored, the flesh grew up around the edge, and we always had to care for them each week. They gave us a great deal of trouble. I had done this for years but he would scream and cry, and as I was at the time in such poor health, his father had taken it upon himself to care for them. After we were helped in Science I said to him, We know now that these nails need give you no trouble, that all that is necessary to be done can be done without hurting you. For two years and over we handled it in this way. We had given up all thought that anything could be done for them, as I had been told years before that the only thing that could be done, would be to put him on the operating table and remove each nail by the root, and even then they said they might grow back the same disfiguring nail. Seemingly in proof of this, one finger-nail was torn off, and when it grew out it was the same imperfect nail, and I thereupon gave up hope.
About five months ago, his father was caring for them as usual, but for some reason the child was fearful and screamed. My husband was excited and worried, and finally said, "I will stand this no longer. For ten years I have gone through this, and I will not do so any longer. In spite of what your mother says, I shall have these nails off." I was in an adjoining room. At first I was full of fear; I thought, must this be done? what shall I do? It came to me as though I heard the words spoken, "Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." I thought, surely enough that is my work, and what is the truth of this? Then I saw, realized, as I never did before, the one creation. God made all that was made and it was good, "perfect." Man was made in His image and likeness, was His reflection. I saw at once that I had all these years been believing in an imperfect creation. Why, I thought, I see now, it is impossible that this can be, for if man reflects God, and God is All, the only presence, then he does this moment reflect this perfection, for the very good reason that there is nothing else to reflect. I felt perfectly relieved. I knew the Truth at last, and I thought as I went down stairs, no matter what I seem to see, I know he is perfect,—not will be. Once or twice the thought came during the week, what will you do when the time comes to care for those nails again? but the thought was put out at once. I know the Truth at last, he is perfect, it is for me to know that. Once when we sat at dinner I was greatly tempted to look at his fingers to see if there were a change, but I would not. I thought it is my business "to know the Truth," not to look to see if God does His work, for His work is already done.
When they got ready to care for the nails as usual, I heard his father call in an excited way, Wife, come here; this is the strangest thing I ever saw. This child's nails are almost perfect." I had gotten almost to the door, but when he said this I stopped. I said to myself, "They are not almost, but they are perfect, and I will never look at them until mortal mind acknowledges this." Another week went by, and I had forgotten all about it, until I heard my husband call me in an amazed, astonished way, "Come here; talk about Christian Science demonstrations! this beats anything I ever heard of. This child's nails are absolutely perfect." Just as I got to the door Raymond held up both hands, "Look, father, my fingers are just as perfect as Harold's;" and truly they were, smooth, thin, pink, and perfect. I have always believed it was an instantaneous demonstration. There was no effort or attempt to argue myself into a realization of this. I could never do that, but when the time came and I was brought face to face with the fact that something would have to be done, I was at first stunned by the seeming facts.
Those disfiguring nails had always been such a humiliating reality; but I was at last forced to know the Truth, and when we know the Truth we find there is no error and never has been. If it had gone a little at a time we should perhaps have thought they gradually grew better, but for those great, thick, discolored, rough nails to go in less than two weeks, shows that what is an impossible thing to surgery, disappears as the mist before the sun, when we really realize the Truth, and how glad and happy we all were.
One evening as I was reading, and little Raymond was getting ready for bed, he sat looking at his toes for some time, then said, "You used to give me lots of trouble, but you are all right now;" then looking up to me he said, "Mamma, that was an all right proof of the Truth, wasn't it?" These are but few of the many blessings that have come to us and words fail to tell of the love and gratitude we feel for the dear Leader who has revealed this glorious Truth to us, also to my teacher and the Scientist who first proved to me that God is an ever-present help.
