FROM early childhood sensitiveness to spiritual impressions inclined my thought naturally toward religious topics. For a while the current orthodox interpretations, which I had been brought up to regard as final, were accepted without question. Later, however, by reason of expanding concepts and maturer ideals, acquired through research in the natural sciences and arts, these views began to appear incompatible with a higher sense of the fitness of things, and ceased to appeal to my thought with their former cogency. I began to investigate various doctrinal schemes which promised a more rational explanation of the phenomena of mortal existence, but after a fruitless search, in which one ism and ology after another was tried and found wanting, I became a confirmed agnostic. Keen sympathy with human woes, and the depressing atmosphere of a pessimistic philosophy, intensified by adversity and disappointment, finally induced a state of mind which almost eventuated in despair. Following in the train of this mental demoralization, a brood of physical ills contributed to render existence still more intolerable. At this juncture a series of liberating experiences opened my eyes, in some degree, to the truth revealed in Christian Science, but under conditions which occasioned misapprehension, and in many respects confusion of thought regarding its Principle and practice. Nevertheless a sufficient measure of the truth had been apprehended to clear the mental atmosphere and cause physical ills to subside one by one.
Antecedent habits of thought, however, led me at this time to seek an explanation of these experiences along the lines of other channels than that marked out and defined by the progressive unfolding of Christian Science. Current movements resting on a semi-metaphysical foundation received attention, together with various ancient and modern philosophical and ethical systems; but none of these, for more than a brief period, seemed to offer a satisfactory basis for the solution of the more vexing problems of human existence. I thereupon continued the search for Truth avowedly on independent lines, seeking to follow the highest leadings of intuitive perception. As the needle turns in the direction of the magnetic pole, so a growing conviction seemed to point to premises grounded in absolute Principle as alone adequate to meet the requirements of a demonstrable Science. Thus, quite unintentionally on my part, thought was drawn more and more toward the position of Christian Science, until acceptance of its teachings might have been regarded as the only alternative; but pride and self-will, fostering a subtle sense of fancied independence, and arguing with a certain plausible show of reason in favor of individual rights and privileges, hindered a complete surrender to the authority of Truth and its divinely-appointed agencies. I seemed to have arrived at the stage described by our Leader in Science and Health, p. 552: "Thought, loosened from a material basis, but not yet instructed by Science, may become wild with freedom, and so be self-contradictory."
Although on a previous occasion I had read Science and Health, it was in a more or less perfunctory way, and not with that openness of heart which alone can render the letter of Science intelligible; so that, although the inspiring tone and exalted standard of the work had compelled recognition, it remained a sealed book so far as its full scientific import and unique relation to the vital problems of the age were concerned. In addition to this superficial estimate of our text-book, an unjustifiable prejudice against the Discoverer and Founder of Christian Science, and the Cause in general, based on untrustworthy information and misconception of the ideals involved, served still further to divert attention from the real issue at stake. The attempt to maintain a position of security without observing the fundamental scientific distinction between the divine Mind and a counterfeit mortal mentality, led to confusion of thought such as must sooner or later attend every attempt to work out the problems of existence according to humanly constructed premises. Thus by degrees the fact of man's spiritual estate seemed to grow less tangible, and the previous glimpse of Truth was obscured until I found myself in a state even more deplorable than the former desolation. This condition of outer darkness continued until thinking, reading, conversing, and every sort of mental or physical exercise caused acute distress. I began to be haunted by the fear of becoming mentally unbalanced. At times I could not sleep for several nights in succession, and heart trouble and a complication of other disorders developed. But "man's extremity is God's opportunity." Prejudice yielded by degrees to the demands of Truth. I turned to Science and Health, satisfied that my only hope of deliverance lay in the direction of its teaching. Later I began to attend Christian Science services. As self-will subsided and understanding developed, the symptoms of mental and physical discord gradually disappeared.
