DURING MY SENIOR YEAR in college, I was confronted with some tough moral questions that led me to search for spiritual answers. I was becoming increasingly dissatisfied with myself and my social life at school. Although I wasn't a heavy drinker, I still felt compelled to drink socially. Vanity, fear, and selfishness seemed to be a part of my daily experience. I began to dread any kind of social activity, and was spending an increasing amount of time alone and feeling sorry for myself. I felt as if something inside of me was rebelling against this behavior, but I couldn't quite articulate what I was feeling.
I wanted to find an answer through prayer, so I took a drive to pray and think things over. I ended up stopping for lunch next to a huge sign that said, "Hold Your Own." It was just the message I needed to hear! At that moment, I knew that holding on to my spiritual identity was the most important thing I could do that year. Truth suddenly seemed straightforward, not dogmatic or confusing.
At first I thought that by making an effort to spiritualize my thinking and actions, I would become a boring person. I was so afraid of losing my individuality and my friends in the process. So I turned to a statement in Science and Health that describes spiritual identity this way: "This scientific sense of being, forsaking matter for Spirit, by no means suggests man's absorption into Deity and the loss of his identity, but confers upon man enlarged individuality, a wider sphere of thought and action, a more expansive love, a higher and more permanent peace" (p. 265).
As part of my "wider sphere of thought and action," I decided to think more globally and less about my particular problems. Slowly, I began to appreciate Godlike qualities in others that I hadn't taken time to notice before. I also started to appreciate activities within my sorority that focused on sisterhood and community involvement. I was beginning to learn to be more patient and a better listener.
As a result of these changes in me, my social interactions became less repetitive, and my need to drink socially melted away. My desire to learn more about my relationship to God had caused a transformation in the way I thought. And the effects were tangible. I learned that good is natural, and that God had better things planned for me than loneliness and fear.
I thought that by making an effort to spiritualize my thinking and actions, I would become a boring person.
I especially love this quote from Miscellaneous Writings, which reminds me of what I've learned about my identity, and the many healings I've had as a result: "Beloved children, the world has need of you,—and more as children than as men and women: it needs your innocence, unselfishness, faithful affection, uncontaminated lives. . . . What grander ambition is there than to maintain in yourselves what Jesus loved, and to know that your example, more than words, makes morals for mankind!" (p. 110)
Boston, Massachusetts
