Three or four years ago, I was in the middle of planning a marvelous Mother's Day for my mom—a visit to a local design house, an elegant brunch, and a lavish gift, which I don't even remember now. At the same time, I had a gnawing feeling that something was wrong. This exercise in doing all that was expected of me as a daughter wasn't making the relationship any richer, and sure wasn't melting away the feeling that I was disappointed in my mother.
Over many years, I had concluded that there was nothing I could do to please my mom. She felt I wasn't living up to my potential, and that I could have a better life, that I could make better choices. There were other factors, but the conviction that I couldn't please her was the triggering one. No matter how wonderful a day I was planning for my mother, it wasn't doing anything to cut through the deep hurt that I felt.
Having a toddler of my own, I found myself wondering, "Am I giving my daughter a good example of the kind of mother-daughter relationship I want to enjoy with her in years to come?" This was a hard question. And if I was honest with myself, I had to say "No." What could I do to change things?
