THIS WASN'T ABOUT BODY IMAGE. It was about control—controlling the one thing in my life I felt I could control. And that was how much I ate.
It all started because things seemed to be spiraling out of control. Toward the end of my freshman year of high school, my close-knit group of friends began to break apart. Even though I knew, intellectually, that changes in friendships are natural, for some reason, this change freaked me out. In a way, I even felt personally responsible for it. And because it seemed like I couldn't do anything to keep my friends together, I felt completely helpless.
What made me feel better was controlling what I ate, and I eventually began to starve myself. Not eating gave me a false sense of order and control in my life. Whenever I skipped a meal, I felt powerful. It was almost as though, through not eating, I was able to trick myself into believing that things weren't falling apart and that I was the one in charge.
