I HAD AN EXPERIENCE in my sophomore year of high school that really challenged my ability to feel God in my life. I swim on my high school swim team. I'm always nervous before races, but this particular year, fear paralyzed me. I felt nauseous throughout each race. I swim the long races—200–and 500–meter freestyle—so that's a long time to feel sick and sluggish.
As always, I turned to God for help, but my prayers were empty. I felt as though God had forgotten me. I even called a Christian Science practitioner for help, but I completely fell apart at Sectionals and States—two big swim meets. This situation caused me to greatly doubt my ability to pray. I kept wondering what I was doing wrong. I never doubted God, but I did doubt my ability to practice Christian Science.
My mom was a great help. She assured me that God had not forgotten me and that I would be able to find healing. However, she told me not to wait until the next swim season to pray about this. So the summer between my sophomore and junior year was spent in prayer and study. Every day I read the Bible Lesson, which consists of passages from the Bible and from Science and Health. I also read the Journal and Christian Science Sentinel magazines and listened to Radio Sentinel. I saw how other people, who often had much worse problems than mine, prayed and were healed. That was greatly encouraging.
Sometimes, I just prayed to know what to pray about. A turning point came in my prayers when one day I read this passage in Science and Health: "The test of all prayer lies in the answer to these questions: Do we love our neighbor better because of this asking?" (p. 9). That question stopped me in my tracks. This whole time I had been praying about getting rid of my fear. It occurred to me that my teammates, as well as competitors, often dealt with fear during competition. I realized I should be praying about getting rid of fear in general. In that way I would be loving my neighbor better. My prayers shifted to seeing the nothingness of fear because God didn't create it. I also read in the Bible that "perfect love casteth out fear" (I John 4:18). So I vowed that in the upcoming year I would strive to be more loving and caring.
Sometimes, I just prayed to know what to pray about.
My junior year of high school began and so did swim season. I did feel a greater sense of peace. I also began comforting my teammates and encouraging them to do well. I swam well and achieved some personal bests. A defining moment came when we were swimming our toughest competitor. Once again, I started to have that awful, sick feeling. This time I rebelled. I turned with my whole heart to God and asked, "What do I need to know?" Instantly, I heard this thought, God governs all. It wasn't just words, though. It felt like a rush of cool, comforting air that enveloped me. All the bad feelings completely disappeared, and I felt a tremendous freedom. I realized that God governed me, not fear. I also saw that "God governs all" means that He was helping everyone do well. After that, I swam the 500-meter freestyle race. I felt great during the swim and came in first. Later, I swam really well during both Sectionals and States that year, but most important was the lesson I learned: Never give up. Even if your prayers feel empty, redouble your efforts and hug God close. God really does govern all and never lets us down.
