WHEN a child, I would go up in the back corner of the hay mow, or off in a lonely ravine, where I could not be seen or heard, and pray and sing and read the Bible, in the hope that I might experience the wonderful conversion that I was led to believe some others did. Occasionally, through young womanhood, I made renewed efforts to receive a something satisfactory in answer to my desire for a fuller faith, a fuller realization of God's presence and forgiveness. I reasoned: "If God hears my prayer, as the world is taught He does, why can He not, and why should He not, give me a full and complete witness of His pardon,—of His having heard and granted my petition?" For years I was almost determined not to be satisfied with anything less than a striking witness of His presence. If the apostle Paul, and those of the present age, received such unmistakable evidence why should not I?
After my marriage, having other cares, I gave it up for a time, thinking perhaps I had already troubled myself enough regarding it; and so the matter rested. The reading of the book "Ben Hur," afterward made such an impression, that I solemnly resolved not only to make the Bible a study for the rest of my life, but that I would confidently know whether it were true or not. I did begin, and read faithfully during that autumn and early winter, and would add, I am still reading it, but from a very different standpoint.
I was led, it seemed to me then accidentally, to attend a series of meetings, little dreaming that they could be of any benefit to me—as so often, at such meetings, I had tried, but failed, to experience that wonderful change told of by some. Strange to me, I did receive satisfaction enough to become a member of an orthodox church; but realized, all the time, that I had taken, as yet, only a slight step in the way of Life. I was led, at least, to see that I did believe there had lived such a man as Jesus; that his teachings were perfect, and were for our guidance; that I had some faith in God. A certain peace of heart came; but that wonderful, striking manifestation, of course, I did not receive. About two years after, I asked for a statement of the withdrawal of the hand of fellowship, that I might give my time more fully to Christian Science.
