I DID not come to Christian Science for physical healing, but because I was tired of what seemed a hopeless struggle against a selfish and sinning disposition. I never remember really believing in the vague and terrifying concept of God presented for my childish worship, but I had an insatiable desire to get to the bottom of things, and for a time the theories of natural science and speculative philosophies seemed to explain life sufficiently. They did not satisfy me, however, and I began to long for a religion in which I could really believe.
I well remember a night of fevered tossing and desperate calling out to a power, if there were one, for peace. This was in Rome, and I had already heard of Christian Science; but I knew nothing about it, and the word "Christian" meant for me the essence of hypocrisy and cant. I thought I wanted something broader and more universal than an American woman would be at all likely to know about; but my point of view changed very quickly when, a few weeks afterward, I consented to see a Christian Science practitioner in London. I then saw that I could not honestly revile what I knew nothing about at first hand. It caused me some surprise that the logic of this gentleman was unassailable, and some annoyance that I was obliged to admit this to myself and to him; but I shall never forget his patience and kindness in talking to me on the subject of Christian Science for hours at various times, for which he would not accept a penny.
During this period I bought and read "Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures" by Mrs. Eddy. At first I made long lists of objections, and was very contemptuous of what I called its literary style, but I could with difficulty put it aside, being drawn on by some power which I did not understand to read page after page. I had been obliged to wear glasses for reading and drawing, as an oculist had said that the intense pain I suffered was due to defective vision. The glasses relieved the pain so long as I had them on, but it returned if I did my work or read more than a page without them.
