During my college years, I had periods of deep depression and, at times, contemplated suicide. During these periods of depression I would very often take a knife or sharp object and cut myself. This behavior went on for several years. During that time, I did not attempt to rely on God for healing such self-destructive behavior, though I did rely on Him through my study of Christian Science for the healing of school-related problems and several physical difficulties.
It was not until I had graduated from college and returned to my mother and stepfather's home that I was able to deal with the problem. It came to a head one night when I woke from a sound sleep crying uncontrollably. I felt lonely, tired, and afraid. At that moment, huddled in the corner of my bed, I reached out to God, asking, "Please help me." Immediately I felt God's nearness as the "shelt'ring wing" that Mary Baker Eddy speaks of in her poem "Love" encompassing my consciousness, and I felt a warm glow around me. The tears that I had been unable to control stopped, and I went back to sleep.
The next morning I began my search for the root of this difficulty. Through days of diligent study of the Bible Lesson (outlined in the Christian Science Quarterly) and endeavoring to listen to God, divine Truth, I discovered that I felt no love for anyone. I realized that ever since my parents were divorced when I was three, I had stopped myself from trusting and loving anyone. The emotional ups and downs, the depression, loneliness, and self-hate, were all a part of my craving to love and be loved. Emotionally, I had hit bottom, and the only direction for me now was up. I set out to change.
