ALL I WANTED WAS A RECONCILIATION. That wasn't the wrong thing to pray for, was it? After my best friend decided she no longer wanted to associate with me, it seemed reasonable that I'd pray for the restoration of our friendship. I was devastated by the loss. I felt like I had been cut off from a part of my family. And so, every day I earnestly asked God to restore our friendship—or to show me what I could do to make things right. But days turned into weeks, weeks into months, and months into years, and still there was no reconciliation. Instead, the gulf that separated us grew wider.
I thought constantly about what had happened. Was it my fault? If so, what had I done wrong? The seeming irrationality of it all—coupled with the not knowing—made it difficult to move on. And often I wrestled with the feeling that I was completely inadequate and unworthy of friendship.
Eventually we went off to different colleges and cultivated separate lives. But even years later when I would run into her at social events, our interactions would trigger obsessive thinking along those same, worn-out paths. I would spend weeks and months wondering what I had done wrong. And I still dreamed of reconciliation—no matter what it would take.
