The healing of my sister first brought Christian Science to my notice in 1889, and it seemed very remarkable to me, since she had tried all sorts of doctors, many of them specialists, only to be told she might be temporarily relieved, but never could be well. I regarded it only as a means of healing sickness, so gave it little thought, as being something I did not need to investigate.
About this time our church was beginning to have revivals and "holiness meetings," and the doctrine of sanctification as taught by those holding the meetings seemed to me to be all that one needed, so I sought with great earnestness the "cleansing from all sin," and received a blessing in April, 1888, that those in the experience said was sanctification.
After two years' studying and trying to practise the doctrine "as taught by John Wesley and the Bible," I found that the sins we are told so many times to lay aside, and which the "Second Blessing" theory says are all instantaneously destroyed, were not gotten rid of, but were all the more tormenting, because of my desire to be free from sin. And yet I did not grasp the thought that Christian Science gave the key to the problem, and so I wandered out into the wilderness of uncertainty and unbelief.
I was preparing to marry a young minister, a missionary to Japan under the Board of our Southern Methodist Church, and my sister's healer and teacher offered in a letter to my sister to make us a bridal present of the Primary Course in Science, but having learned how preachers in general, and our pastor in particular, opposed Christian Science (I have since learned that they knew less about it than my poor, blind self), I said nothing to Mr. Utley of the generous offer, and told my sister to thank her and say we could not accept.
We left for our mission field in July, 1890, and I took with me the forty-third edition of "Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures," some tracts, and a number of the Christian Science Series my sister gave me.
A few weeks later, finding I had these, my husband was greatly displeased and said he wished that he had the authority to say I could not read such literature as that, so I began to do my reading when he was in school—he then being principal of the boys' college, Kwansei Gakuin, at Kobe, and on Sunday afternoon when he was teaching the probationer's class of boys, I read in my room, understanding a little, and hoping to see more clearly all the time.
During the year my husband came down with an attack of la grippe and nervous prostration, and the first of September, 1891, found him, according to mortal belief, in a serious condition with congestion of the brain, and so we were ordered by the consulting doctors to hasten to America never to return to Japan again, as they said Mr. Utley could not live in that climate. We started early in October, he helpless, and with a baby of five months.
I felt calm and hopeful through it all, believing that we were to find the "one thing lacking," and he even remarked before we left our home at the school, that he would like to know more about Christian Science.
I had written my sister in September, and told her to ask her teacher to treat us, and so on board our steamer in Yokohama, October 7, when the doctor and friend who had accompanied us that far were gone, my husband told me to throw the medicines into the sea, he didn't intend to take them; and I did so.
He gradually improved, and in a few months his heart turned to Japan again. Knowing the opinion of the doctors concerning his living in that country, the church offered him work at several points, but he knew that meant never to return to his mission work, and so he did not accept an appointment in this country.
For some months I read my Science and Health, but my husband did not read, nor was he willing to acknowledge that Christian Science had had any more to do with his being well than the other praying, and so I learned to be silent on the subject.
In October, 1892, there came upon me suddenly an agonizing suffering, and for three weeks I was under the influence of morphine more or less all the time, with a doctor coming three and five times a day. In the very beginning of the suffering I said if there were a Scientist in town I would ask for treatment, but not once did it occur to me that one could come to me, or that I could telegraph for absent treatment, as I have since done and always with a sure victory on the side of Truth. So I plunged headlong into the darkness and woes of material medicine, those about me never seeming to think that more could be done than was being done. About the end of three weeks another babe came to us, strong and well, and I improved for a few days, so it seemed. Then came fears for my two babies, fears for myself—fear, fear, and ignorance, and darkness—until a month passed, and with it my baby passed away. Nobody knows the darkness I was in the day following its burial. The night before it passed away, while others watched with it, I read the fourteenth chapter of John, seeking comfort, and as I read, plainly did I see why I was so lost in darkness and fear. Because I had not kept the commandments, had not loved my God with all my heart, and as I read the last words, "Arise, let us go hence," they appeared in small capitals to me, and my heart said, "I'll go where the Lord directs, and that means into Christian Science." The following morning at break of day I went with my husband into another room and told him that I knew the little lamb was going, and that he must consent to my going somewhere for Christian Science treatment, and more to comfort me than anything else he half consented.
In the mean time letters were coming from the friends in Nashville, and relatives elsewhere, either to take me at once to some surgeon, or have one come to me, as something ought to be done at once. The doctor here, without explanation, had ceased to come three weeks before the passing on of our baby. A dear relative of mine came from a distance to take me to some city—anywhere I would name —to a surgeon, as all said the quickest, safest remedy would be to take out my finger at the hand. I thanked all for their sympathy and desire to help me, but said I had arranged to start the following Friday to Lexington to receive Christian Science treatment. My aunt returned to her home disappointed—displeased—and until the train moved out my husband hoped to see me give up. But I felt this time that nothing could hinder me from going about "my Father's business." My sister, little boy, and myself made the trip without trouble, though the weather was very cold, and reached Lexington the last day of December, 1892, and how thankful I was in my sense of sorrow and broken spirit at last to be with one who knew the only true way to comfort those that mourn, to bind up the broken-hearted, and to strengthen that which was sick. Words can never express the rest that came to me as my beloved healer and teacher calmed fear and banished pain, speaking words of Truth in all gentleness, long-suffering, love, firmness, and as one having authority.
All material remedies were discarded of course, before Christian Science treatment began, though for two and a half months, night and day, they had been applied, and in a few days all belief of inflammation and ulceration had disappeared. Instead of dripping the water gently over my hand, as heretofore, I bathed it, rubbing it all over, and left the bandage off. Immediately I began writing letters with it, and it has been well ever since. During the remainder of my stay other beliefs were destroyed, and in two weeks and two days I returned home with my baby boy, changing cars, and transferring alone.
Having found God I felt as if I should like to go away from everybody and acquaint myself with Him by careful study of the lessons just received, hoping soon to be able to enter another class.
On reaching home I found my husband had arranged with the Board of Missions for our return to Japan the first of March, allowing barely time for the necessary preparation, and but for the good advice, loving counsel, and constant treatment of my dear teacher, I could not have borne it all.
Just as I felt that light was beginning to dawn, that by study and help I should learn how to put aside the old and be filled with the new, came the prayers of many church-members, the prayers of a few devout ones who were distressed to learn I had "turned from the wells of living waters to the cisterns of earth," also the tears and sadness of my loved ones that we should go so far again.
My husband, a young lady cousin of his, our two-year-old little boy, and myself sailed from Vancouver, April 3, 1893, reaching Yokohama, April 15, and Kobe the 18th, not knowing where our work would be, as the order was emphatic that Mr. Utley could not go into the school again.
After waiting five or six weeks for a residence passport we moved to East Osaka, where several appointments were included in our work; a class of boys and young men to study English at our house, and a night school further down in the city. We got into our new home about May 28, but when the intense heat of summer, with other unpleasant accompaniments peculiar to Japan's metropolis, came, we went up to the mountains for a few weeks. The Annual Conference in July changed us to the West Osaka work, and in September we moved to the Concession.
What was I doing in Science all this time? Studying my Science and Health and Bible every day, and demonstrating over the few simple things that came up, full of hope, and joy, and peace. I had the Journal and Quarterly, and studied quietly, rarely ever speaking of Science except to my little child, who knew and talked so freely the simple truths taught him, that many of the missionaries spoke of his faith in God, but at the request of my husband I never mentioned Christian Science to any one save him and the young lady who went with us, and who took no interest in it.
In the autumn of 1893 a member of our mission who was boarding with us waiting for a passport to go to the East Osaka work we had just left, found me studying Science and Health, and expressing great surprise asked me if I really believed what it taught, and told me of a man (Norville I think) who had been a student of Mrs. Eddy, but who had found out the falsity of it all, renounced it, and was then in China, if I mistake not.
Not at all disturbed, I told him that no loyal student of Mrs. Eddy had ever found it false, and I knew only loyal ones. He of course told his wife and mother-in-law, who would never mention Science, but were continually telling the errors of the Seventh Day Adventists they had known in California, insinuating that Christian Science was in line with that.
There were times when my husband would read some, and often approve of what I was doing, even allowing me to treat him several times, and with success, but he never consented for me to talk with any of the few missionaries I met about it, partly because of the "talk" it would bring about, and he did not care to be, or have me, so generally discussed. That needy field is so full of people with "peculiar views," that I knew how he felt, though I was continually wishing to speak of the Truth to a few, hoping they would journey with me.
Another reason why he wanted me to work on in silence was the opposition of the church at home to Christian Science, and he felt bound by vow and affection to be true to her, not knowing that my silent acquiescence in methods so contrary to the true way of preaching the Gospel to every creature could affect my spiritual growth.
During the summer of 1894 arose many things that needed systematic, Scientific dealing with, in order to be destroyed, and it certainly was not through lack of instruction and admonition on the part of my dear teacher that I did not meet and master the error more readily, but lack of understanding on my part.
I kept before me the words of our beloved Mother (S.&H. 221—31 to 222—6) knowing that our Father would open the way if I held fast to the Truth already gained, and while I seemed to have ears without hearing, I knew I must and would rise above the seeming. Thanks be to God we passed through the shadows, hope brightened, and faith became sight in many instances.
Through my teacher's treatment I, as well as my babe, was saved from death when our third son was born in the spring of 1895, and I give God all glory; distance could not hinder this demonstration of the omnipresence of Love.
In June, 1895, we called in a doctor; I consenting, not because I had the least faith in him or his prescriptions, but something had to be done, and it was necessary to get a certificate from a reliable doctor in order to get home, and it was evident that this was the necessary step in my case.
After a careful examination, he very willingly gave the certificate, and my trunks were speedily packed by friends, but after getting to Kobe, I rallied and we waited. All summer we were unsettled, because Mr. Utley felt as if he could not leave his work unless it was absolutely necessary, and appreciating this I tried most earnestly to demonstrate over the error, refusing the medicines the doctors prescribed, their absurd diagnoses being enough to cause me to do so, had I not already learned that there was no healing power in drugs.
Constantly did I cling to my Science and Health and Bible, being greatly comforted at times when my husband studied the Sunday School lessons with me, or would show how much he had gained in Science by answering the foolish arguments of some friends from China who were summering with us.
It was during this summer that he had an experience with a broken elbow, but he recovered rapidly and thoroughly the use of his arm, for which Christian Science treatment is entitled to credit, although the doctors set and bandaged it. The doctors had a number of grave fears concerning the healing of the arm, but they didn't "doctor" it after the first two days.
In the autumn we spent something over two months waiting for our passport to move about two hundred miles into the interior, Mr. Utley having been appointed Presiding Elder of the Matsuyaura District which covered something over fifteen hundred miles travel by sea, jinrikisha, and on foot.
This short interval gave me opportunity to work more systematically, and in October I realized once more my freedom and strength in Mind, and after this demonstration sent my application for membership in the Mother Church in Boston, intending to follow it by next mail with a note of praise testifying to the great blessings that had come to us through Christian Science, but during the moving, making a Japanese house habitable for the winter, and other things that came up, mortal mind once more seemed to take possession, and in December we closed our house, returned to Kobe, and found it urgent for me to return to America. During all these experiences I know my husband was sore perplexed. He wanted me to have the Christian Science treatment and instruction, because I so earnestly desired it, but he still felt bound to his work and loved it and it looked ripe for the harvest. He had not given Christian Science sufficient thought and study to be ready to put off the old and put on the new, and so we decided I should return under the care of a friend, bringing our two small children.
In October, 1896, my husband joined us, and through all the changes in the months since we separated in Yokohama, I felt that our times were in God's hands, and my heart continually sang, "All the way my Saviour leads me," and now that the seeming clouds, and doubts, and wanderings have passed away, we are still rejoicing in the God of our salvation, for He hath saved us from the storm and tempest of mortal mind, and led us into green pastures, beside still waters, into the fold of Divine Science.
We magnify Thy name, O God, for Thou hast dealt graciously with thy children!
The efforts of preachers and people to hold me in the Orthodox church, to save us (?) to the work in Japan, and all their sympathy and prayers for Mr. Utley on account of his wife having become a Christian Scientist, are "as nothing now to me," for from beginning to end I have felt that "we ought to obey God rather than men," and how dare they sit in judgment saying what is God's will concerning His own. Rather let us hasten on in this "land of pure delight."
Thanks be unto our Father, my husband sees the unity, consistency, and truth of Christian Science, and our one desire is being fulfilled—that we may have the same love, be of one mind, of one accord, that the Mind which was in Christ Jesus may be in us.
Thank God, the day for keeping silence "through fear of the people," be they in or out of the church, is past, and from my heart I love them with the love known only since I found Him who is Love, and hence I no longer fear them, but desire to see them following in the "Footsteps of Truth," that they may know that in losing their life they have found Life eternal.
