I GREW up in an atmosphere of skepticism. A most unfortunate religious experience had brought my parents to a condition of thought which, when it was not cynical or amused, was hostile to every religious idea based on the Bible. I but recite the experience of many others when I say I was early filled with a great desire for some understanding of God and His creative plan; but, added to this, was a disposition to view most critically all evidence presented. Like others, I turned to the Bible for help and found there much that troubled and confused me, many things to disapprove, some which it seemed to me I must even abhor. I hardly know whether I was helped or hindered by my supplemental reading, —the writings of an agnostic on the errors of that compilation. I pushed on feverishly, each day growing more disturbed, until by the time I had finished the Old Testament I had come to the conclusion that if I wanted to keep enough toleration for the book to endure the sight of it I had better lay it aside. There had always been with me, however, and still remained, an awe-filled sense of the divinity of the Christ; but I felt that I could not consistently accept a part and cast aside a part of a book considered in its entirety as a revelation from God. I therefore felt that the only reasonable course was to try to banish from thought the whole of the distressing medley; or to do so, until I had grown sufficiently in strength of mind or grace of spirit to gain results from the study which would be more satisfactory. I had, even at this early age, a comprehension that "A little knowledge is a dangerous thing," and a belief that there were perhaps depths behind depths which, if traversed, might lead to the light. This understanding saved me from complete discouragement and left me open to all reasonable argument. I had also learned to know the awfulness of taking away even a crumb of bread, and giving in its place the smoothest, weightiest, most sparkling stone. So. throughout my own long, lonely journey in the realm of materialism, I moved with my finger on my lips.
I had not at this time taken in sufficiently the significance of my surroundings to be unhappy: the world lay smiling before me and I entered therein. Sin, disease, and death seemed very remote and unreal; the world very beautiful and its people very lovely. Soon, however, sorrow was upon me, so heavy that I was again turned into deeper channels of thought, and I took up the writings of Huxley, Tyndall, Darwin, Herbert Spencer, and Grant Allen. It was the wrestling of an immature and untrained mind with problems too large for it, and I ended by knowing little of what they really taught, or tried to teach, except that they seemed to me to have proven the whole universe to be a great and accidentally wound-up piece of machinery whose power to create was hopelessly and mercilessly supplemented by an equal power to destroy. In silent despair I tried to take up the duties before me, attempting to impose on myself such a round of domestic business and social exactions that I should not be able to think of anything except the present stress of multiplied engagements. I now looked upon every form of religious belief as a kind of narcotic, which might ease the condition of a few peculiarly constituted or narrowly instructed mortals until death put an end to consciousness. With this conviction I began to try to impress upon my little girl, while yet in her babyhood, a faith in God and in immortality, and the baby mind responded pathetically. I tried also to encourage others in any form of religious belief. I felt that the greatest good of which I knew, or of which I might be capable, was to keep any one who might yet be deluded, dwelling in pleasant dreams. The end was not difficult to predict. Never having been well, I broke down at last completely under the stress of supporting myself and a child. With no longer the ability to meet the requirements made upon me, I stood helpless and hopeless, waiting for the last blow to fall.
Some time before this, Christian Science had come to my attention. I had entertained myself by making a few inquiries, reading a little and writing a few articles in regard to it which I considered amusing; for I was doing newspaper work and found it interesting and profitable to dip into the prevailing run of fads and isms. My lot was cast among Christian Scientists at this period, and I saw it meant more than just talking, that they were really depending upon it for health and life. This put me into a state of unreasoning and unreasonable hostility against it. I felt that among the very few blessings vouchsafed mankind, two of the chiefest were doctors and drugs, and that any body of people should so yield to fanaticism as to cut off themselves and their innocent children from this only known means for alleviating the ills of the flesh, seemed to me not only preposterous but criminal. My own faith in physicians, drugs, and hygiene at this time seems to me, as I look back upon it, one of the most surprising absurdities that ever gained power over me. I had never, so far as I knew or thought I knew, been helped by them except in one instance, and that was such a surprise to me I could never forget it. Still I continued to have faith in, and to employ with the utmost devotion every substance and appliance recommended me, and I feel that I must very nearly have exhausted the varieties. My antagonism to Christian Science was mainly along these lines, although I felt a sense of malice quite new to me for its religious teaching. I would neither leave it alone nor fairly investigate it. Since I have learned more of Christian Science and more of the carnal mind I see that these ebullitions were of greater import than they appeared to be on the surface. They were the hatred of error for the truth which would finally destroy it.
