What does it mean to be a real man? or a real woman? I heard this addressed in a one-man play on Broadway, Rob Becker's Defending the Caveman.
The narrator took us back to the days of the cave dwellers, deftly drawing connections between modern masculine behavior and the tough guy hunter role of Stone Age males. He related what are considered feminine traits to the female cave dweller's softer, nurturing role as gatherer. The message was that the sooner we understand our cave dweller roots, the better we will understand our contemporary roles, strengths, weaknesses, and learn how to appreciate each other. ...
The narrator told the story of a man going to a mall to buy just one shirt to replace an old and worn one. He drew a connection between this tunnel vision and a hunter who eyes his prey, chases, captures, and bags it, and returns to his cave. Our storyteller then described a woman spending a day at a mall looking for and carefully selecting many items that would last her through the season. He likened her to a gatherer in the field, selecting a wide array of the best berries and nuts to preserve for future use. I laughed. I could see myself and my husband playing out these roles.
But I later realized that there was a certain danger to the play's line of reasoning. Taking seriously the underlying premise that we are all victims of predetermined outlines based on our gender, we might conclude that men are inherently superior to women in certain aspects of daily living, and vice versa. Without a more intelligent, spiritual view of true manhood and womanhood, gender-based inequities in relationships could easily spring up and become barriers—at home, at school, at work, anywhere!
The Scriptures reveal the essence of manhood and womanhood, the male and female of God's creating, to be entirely spiritual. The true individuality of each of us is the image and likeness of Spirit, the pure, undeviating, complete reflection of God, good. Science and Health emphasizes that momentous concept by stating, "Man and woman as coexistent and eternal with God forever reflect, in glorified quality, the infinite Father-Mother God." Science and Health, p. 516 From this it would reasonably follow that the man and woman of God's creating reflect "in glorified quality" the fullness of Spirit— including both its fathering and mothering.
Divine Spirit, God, does not have a gender, nor can God be expressed in such mortal, limited terms. Our Father, God, is ever manifesting the potency of Spirit in perfect balance with Love's mothering gentleness. Strength and gentleness aren't opposite material traits in conflict with one another; they are spiritual qualities that are coexistent and eternal. One is never expressed without the other. Our Mother, God, manifests the intelligence of divine Mind in perfect congruity with the fathering authority of divine Principle, the origin of spiritual law. Again, there is no conflict between divine intelligence and spiritual law; rather, intelligence draws all authority and power from spiritual law. In like manner, real manhood and real womanhood, "coexistent and eternal with God," are not only indissolubly connected to Spirit; they are in harmony with each other and forever reflect the fullness of God as the infinite Father-Mother. There are no gender-based deficiencies or excesses in God's creation. ...
Macho men, shrinking-violet women —where do such stereotypes come from? And why do we seem to fit some gender-based stereotypes so accurately at times? Accepting a false concept of God and man tends to put us and others into boxes, imprisoning all in the vulnerabilities and extremes of stereotypes, while the spiritual truth of God and man eliminates these self-imposed limits. Science and Health states, "Masculine, feminine, and neuter genders are human concepts. ... The ideal man corresponds to creation, to intelligence, and to Truth. The ideal woman corresponds to Life and to Love." Ibid., pp. 516-517 Divine Mind, infinite Truth, immortal Life, and eternal Love are synonyms for God. They illustrate aspects of God's allness and oneness as expressed by the infinite Father-Mother, the indivisible individuality whom we all reflect.
Gender-based stereotypes are rooted in the concept that man is a mortal personality, divided up and compartmentalized by material characteristics. Heredity, environment, culture, and experience are believed to be primary influences on who we are and how we relate to others. If this strictly material view of identity is left unchallenged with spiritual truth, there is room for an exaggeration of gender-based behavior, as in macho males—a masculine pride untempered by humility, or in shrinking violet females—a view of woman so indistinct that it's expressed in weakness.
The Scriptural allegory of Adam and Eve is an object lesson illustrating the effect of misunderstanding our spiritual roots. Adam, with his material origin, typifies the erroneous mortal personality, which is defined by false influences and confined by limits. Pride, shame, disobedience, weakness, dishonesty vanity, and dissatisfaction make up the Adam-type. Eve doesn't fare much better. Her nature is defined by fear, subservience, burden, and pain. She is duped by a serpent—the lying, hypnotic suggestion that intelligence and good are in matter. Genesis describes this misconception of womanhood in these terms: "In sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee." Gen. 3:16 The Scriptural allegory illustrates who we are not, in order to point us toward who we are.
Science and Health explains: "... Adam was not the ideal man for whom the earth was blessed. The ideal man was revealed in due time, and was known as Christ Jesus." Science and Health, p. 338 Jesus showed us that understanding God to be the source of all true being allows us to experience the kingdom of heaven, harmony, and completeness in our present experience. The Apostle Paul writes: "For ye are all the children of God by faith in Christ Jesus.... There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus." Gal. 3:26, 28
Mary Baker Eddy writes, "The only proper symbol of God as person is Mind's infinite ideal. What is this ideal? Who shall behold it? This ideal is God's own image, spiritual and infinite. Even eternity can never reveal the whole of God, since there is no limit to infinitude or to its reflections." Science and Health, p. 517 This tells us that the human mind hasn't even begun to scratch the surface of our full potential as God's image and likeness!
Macho men, shrinking-violet women—
where do such stereotypes come from?
In the early years of marriage, my husband and I both fitted comfortably into our carefully prescribed roles of husband and wife. Our views of the roles of men and women were influenced by patterns we had observed in others. I took charge of domestic affairs. He was the chief breadwinner. Over the years our roles have undergone many changes, and prayer has been a major contributor. As I have consistently identified my husband, in prayer, as the complete reflection of God, I've observed in him a balancing of masculine and feminine qualities. His expression of nurture and care is shown in the selfless way he maintains an active work-life while contributing to household and child-care responsibilities. Identifying myself, in prayer, as God's spiritually complete reflection has brought forward in me a good business sense that is respected by my husband. We have found balance and happiness in this more spiritual sense of identity.
When my husband and I were involved in selling a piece of real estate in another country, we were initially taken aback by the resistance that we encountered because I had an equal voice in making business decisions. In that country, most decisions, certainly all business dealings, were left to husbands, fathers, and older male children; socially, women subserved the interests of men. It was not expected that I would participate in the legal process or offer my own point of view. When I discerned an attempt to undervalue grossly the fair market price of the property, I spoke up about it. Although it was recognized that my husband respected my contribution and that we were equal partners in this process, my help was not appreciated by the businessmen with whom we were dealing. I became an object of loathing to the key figures involved and was, frankly, more than a little intimidated by the situation.
I began prayerfully to rebel, refusing
to accept that my right to think and
express could be taken from me.
I felt a heavy mental drag on everything we were attempting to do. What should have been a relatively simple business deal was met not only with dishonest overtones, but also with an unpredictable bank strike, unseasonable rains with torrential flooding, and language barriers. What's more, during the process, I became seriously ill with an abscessed tooth and ear infection that left me unable to lift my head off the pillow. I couldn't eat and could barely hear. After three days of slight progress, there was a sudden worsening of the condition. I was tempted to pass out of consciousness, lulled by the thought "Just be quiet and go to sleep." As I prayed, I realized that in this culture, business affairs were left to men, while women were supposed to be quiet. I then knew that I was dealing with impersonal evil, a supposed hypnotic influence, which Mrs. Eddy terms animal magnetism. This lie of power opposed to God would rob me of my rights—including my right to be conscious, aware, and participating fully in life as Life's unlimited and complete idea!
I began prayerfully to rebel, refusing to accept that my right to think and express could be taken from me. This prayer was a strong, consistent protest of Truth, of God's view of me as His perfect, intelligent, conscious idea. As God's child, I was not limited by mortal gender stereotyping.
How long I prayed I don't know, but within a short time I fell into a gentle, normal sleep. When I woke, I was strong and completely free of the abnormal physical condition. And there was also a newfound confidence instilled in me. When my hearing was corrected, it was more than an auditory restoration. There was clarity of thought and an ability to understand the language of that country beyond what had been there before. I found that as my husband and I proceeded with the business at hand, there was a marked deepening of respect shown toward me by those with whom we were dealing.
The sale went through during a one-hour break between two strikes. Every attempt to deceive was uncovered and corrected before the deal was finalized. The flooding dissipated in time for us to go to the closing, which took place in a part of town that had before been completely cut off by high water. And in the end, all parties involved were blessed.
Mrs. Eddy writes: "Man should not be required to participate in all the annoyances and cares of domestic economy, nor should woman be expected to understand political economy." There was a time when I might have thought this to be a gender-biased statement, except for the sentence that follows, which points to the healing of gender stereotyping: "Fulfilling the different demands of their united spheres, their sympathies should blend in sweet confidence and cheer, each partner sustaining the other,—thus hallowing the union of interests and affections, in which the heart finds peace and home." Ibid., p. 59
There is a spiritual demand to turn toward Truth and away from material, personality-based views of God and man. But the path of such prayer and the human concepts to be cast out may vary from case to case. We must learn to be patient with one another and work out our own salvation. Forcing one laboring under the belief that he is a macho man to participate in what would be annoying to him in his present mental state will not heal anything. Nor will demanding that one who is struggling with timidity take an interest in that which she fears, empower her to overcome fear. But a spiritual outlook toward each other does heal, and it comes as one casts gender bias and mortal limits out of one's own thought and behavior. This naturally supports others in expressing their God-bestowed "sweet confidence and cheer" as real men and real women.
What does it mean to be a real man? a real woman? Science and Health says it best: "The intelligent individual idea, be it male or female, rising from the lesser to the greater, unfolds the infinitude of Love." Ibid., p. 508
