MY HUSBAND AND I always imagined our life together with children. After the first month of our trying, and my not getting pregnant, we were disappointed. Then two months later I did conceive, but had a miscarriage. As time went on, we started to panic. Questions like, What's wrong with me? began to fill my head. I became obsessed with my body as though it was in a very fragile state. My thoughts were consumed with ways I needed to take care of my body. I worried about the foods I ate, and I started to exercise more regularly.
Despite growing up in Christian Science, I started searching for physical solutions and met with a doctor. Although I was reluctant to choose this path, I felt I had no other choice if I wanted to have a family. For the next year, I found myself turning more and more away from spiritual searching to material remedies. My husband and I had medical tests done, but to my frustration no problems were identified. I started looking into vitamins and herbal remedies and even acupuncture.
During this time I contacted practitioners for Christian Science treatment, but I was sure my skepticism about a spiritual healing being possible was getting in the way of progress. Then I started to evaluate the rest of my life. I was working in a very stressful job, living in a city surrounded by medical organizations. And I knew many women who were also struggling with trying to have a baby. I felt mesmerized by their infertility stories. I constantly seesawed in my thought between choosing a spiritual solution and a medical solution. Fearing that I would make the wrong choice, I couldn't feel totally confident one way or the other. I felt hopeless.
