Twenty years ago I was an agnostic. Teaching had been my occupation for many years, and in looking over the elementary sciences preparatory for class instruction, I was in a very vivid way impressed with the indestructibility of matter. In pursuance of these awakened ideas I commenced the study of evolution, with a sincere hope that I might therein find God. The works of Darwin, Huxley, Spencer, and Haeckel were earnestly studied, and many years were spent in searching for the truth. By the time I had finished the works of Haeckel I was in a deplorable state of mind, with no spiritual platform, but with a dozen questions which I felt must be answered for me by some modern scientific writer. At this time I wanted no answer from the theological side. The revelation of Truth was begun in me about the early part of 1907, although I did not immediately recognize it as such; but every answer that I desired was given me, until all mooted points were made clear. The answers came to me, with no effort on my part, through books or magazines brought to me by friends, or through glances at some scientific review that was handed me.
Several years I had been a student along psychic lines, and no work of note remained unknown to me. As a natural sequence I became a member of The London Psychical Research Society, also of the American Society of Psychical Research. I had become somewhat tired of the line of thought and had sufficiently cleared and settled my own mentality on this subject, so that during the last week in December, 1907, I hesitated whether to renew my membership for the year 1908. At this time one question remained unanswered and somehow I felt impressed to remain with the Society one more year. The first pamphlet that I received in January contained an article which answered this last question, and I was ready then to turn my thoughts wholly from material things to spiritual.
My physical condition at this time was anything but good. In October, 1905, I was seriously ill and went through an operation for gall-stones, and on my return home, after a few months in the hospital, I continued in a semiinvalid state. I was unable to walk any distance, could not ride in steam or electric cars, could not exert any strength with my right side to use a broom or lift a weight, and there was a steady decrease of general strength. The necessity of care as to my diet had been so persistently impressed upon me that I ate very little, and was in constant fear lest even this should cause distress, as I also suffered from bowel trouble. One evening I traversed mentally the whole field of my scientific and psychical study, and wondered what good I had received from twenty years of research. I began to see that if I was in harmony with the power that controlled the universe, there certainly could be no discord; but what could I do to get that harmony? If I could erase the concepts of sickness from my brain, they must be negations, the opposite of the real and the good. The way then seemed clear—I must trust God, affirm and realize the good, the actualities of being; and this I tried to do.
In the morning, to my surprise, I felt entirely well. I commenced the new day by committing my way to God implicitly, without waiting to see results first. I burned all the medicine I could find, and then proceeded to sweep the house, one of the material things I had longed to do for months. My thoughts were following a new path, and even as I worked I was constantly thinking what line of study I could take up to learn more of spiritual things. This same day, through the kindness of a friend, I received the Christian Science text-book. Science and Health by Mrs. Eddy. It did not take me long to realize that I had been led into the way of Christian Science. For hours each day I read the Bible, Science and Health, "Miscellaneous Writings," etc. Knowing that "God is All" (Science and Health, p. 366), I ceased to have any fear. I found myself eating anything and as much as I desired. I experienced only comfort and peace.
I do not now regret the long years of study, for it resulted in a spiritual hunger that was never satisfied. Moreover, 1 had learned how to study. Beginning with the Preface in Science and Health, I read one sentence at a time, stopping to analyze the thought and apply it so far as possible, or leaving it for rereading when my spiritual growth had enabled me to assimilate it. In this manner I proceeded to the end of the book. Before I had read very far, it came to me like a flash that in wearing my glasses I was expressing a doubt of God after all He had done for me. I thereupon put them, away, and have since been able to sew and to read fine print with no thought of further need of them. During the three years of my illness I had two attacks of a painful nervous trouble, the first of which compelled me to lie in a horizontal position with no power to rise; but in the second attack I sat upright for many weary days and nights, unable to bend' or lie down, suffering all the time excruciating pain, and I was left with one arm practically useless for weeks. In March, 1908, I had a third attack, so severe that I dreaded1 to move. I was terribly frightened. I read in Science and Health for some time, and then very slowly I succeeded in getting into bed. I was young in Science, and! I knew not what to do, but in the midst of my suffering and while trying to find a comfortable position, this thought came to me, "Perfect love casteth out fear;" also, that strength is given according to courage. When I realized the courage to turn and ask God's help, I succeeded in moving with no pain. The next morning I got up and dressed myself, and did the necessary work of the day through reliance upon the power of Truth. Strength was found in reading Science and Health, and I learned, even as Mrs. Eddy tells us on page 296, that "progress is born of experience." As I read the following page I knew I was then in the faith state, that I had met all claims so far with spiritual evidence. I did not see how faith led to understanding, but I read and reread these pages until all of a sudden I saw the actuality of being. As this glorious understanding dawned upon me, all fear left me. Truth and Love reigned, I had found a perfect healing in two nights and a day!
I am fast losing all thoughts of the physical body and possible troubles, and the spiritual enlightenment which I have gained more than repays for all suffering. This understanding of God that Mrs. Eddy has given to us in Christian Science must ever fill our hearts with loving gratitude to her. In the study of her writings I have found peace and harmony, with beautiful and inspiring glimpses of the "new life" ahead that must henceforth be mine.
, Clinton, Mass.
