Participants from around the country met in Boston in November to attend the 2003 annual Spirituality & Healing in Medicine conference. Sponsored by Harvard Medical School, the Mind/Body Medical Institute, The George Washington University, and The George Washington Institute for Spirituality and Health, this year's event gave attendees the opportunity to hear and talk about the importance of forgiveness.
FINDING PEOPLE who wanted to be better forgivers—how hard could that be? Yet when directors of the Stanford Forgiveness Project were looking for people to participate in a study on forgiveness, they ran into a problem. How could they get men to respond to their ads?
Within days of placing notices in local newspapers and on the radio, the project's phones were already ringing with calls from women, eager to be involved. But willing men were nowhere to be found. That's when the project's coordinators realized they'd have to market their study differently. Rather than forgiveness, why not advertise grudge management?
With male participation near 40 percent at the end of the study, the tactic clearly worked. But the rewording of the ads also points to a larger question, one that attendees and presenters alike were grappling with throughout the conference: Is forgiveness a sign of weakness?
Forgiveness? What's that?
ONE THING WAS CLEAR FROM THE GET-GO: Most people know what forgiveness is, but their definitions vary widely. From the positive—"a way to move forward"—to the negative—"giving up all hope for a better past." From the nontheistic—"acceptance"—to the theistic—"the spark of divinity." There's virtually no limit to the diversity in the faces of forgiveness. Depending on whom you ask, forgiveness can be empowering just as readily as it can be weakening, divine just as easily as it can be human. Some called it "an empathy that wells up from deep within one's heart, while others took a more cognitive approach, defining it as a way to "manage" negative emotions—and to keep revenge at bay.
According to presenters, the what of forgiveness is also tied to what it does. Dr. Courtney Cowart, adjunct professor at the Center for Christian Spirituality General Theological Seminary, linked forgiveness to the power that brings one's life back into balance after tragedy. Dr. Everett L. Worthington Jr., a professor at Virginia Commonwealth University and the executive director of A Campaign for Forgiveness Research, noted that forgiveness helps one exchange a "darkened heart" for a heart that's lit by grace.
Spirituality had a lot to do with people's definitions of forgiveness, too. Iman Yusuf Hasan, staff chaplain at the Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center, for instance, called forgiveness "a moral obligation." For Rabbi Amy Eilberg, of the Bay Area Jewish Healing Center, it's "a willingness to emulate the attributes of the Divine." Yet Eilberg also acknowledged that within the boundaries of her own faith, there are certain limits to forgiveness, indicating that no matter what its definition, forgiveness, to some degree, must be activated. Without a desire to yield to its transformative powers, the what of forgiveness is meaningless.
The power of three simple words: I forgive you
WHILE CONFERENCE SPEAKERS DIFFERED on the degree to which forgiveness is possible, they did reach consensus on one important point: Forgiveness packs a punch. It restores realtionships, purges negative emotions. In short, forgiveness transforms.
That's not to say that forgiveness is easy or that there's any formula for letting go of a grudge. But as presenters showed—through personal examples and scientific data—when forgiveness happens, things change.
The two-day event opened with an address from conference condirector, Dr. Herbert Benson, who laid the groundwork with a presentation that showed the link between thought and the body. Researches, he said, were interested to discover that a person's mental state could have a direct effect on the way he or she feels physically.
The forgiveness link? According to Benson's research, the effects of forgiveness extend beyond a softening of the heart or a newfound sense of peace. Forgiveness can even bring physical change, from decreased anxiety to the reduction or eradication of pain.
And there's more. In the panel discussions, presentations, and workshops that followed Benson's introduction, participants heard anecdotal and scientific evidence that corroborated Benson's findings—and took them in other directions.
ONE PARTICIPANT commented that forgiveness "frees the forgiver from someone else's nightmare." Another, whose son had been murdered, told of the peace she found, both for hereself and for her family, when she chose to forgive instead of feeling bitter.
Cowart touched on the far-reaching effects of forgiveness when she spoke about the work done by St. Paul's Chapel at Ground Zero during the months that followed the 9/11 tragedy in New York. Forgiveness, she said, was at first unthinkable. "Resentment carries with it a perverse kind of pleasure, and we think we don't want to give it up," she explained. "But somewhere deeper than that is that desire to forgive—to love, to show mercy, to be something better than hate."
For the volunteers at St. Paul's—and everyone who pitched in to help clean up in the aftermath of the attacks—the road to "I forgive you" began with simple acts of kindness. "When you start mathematics you do not begin with calculus; you begin with simple addition," C.S. Lewis, The Joyful Christian: 127 Readings from C. S. Lewis (New York: Macmillan Publishing Co., Inc., 1977), p. 142. Cowart said, quoting C. S. Lewis. As New Yorkers (and volunteers from all over) discovered, even the "simple addition," expressed as a hot meal or a hug, helped to activate something deep inside them.
The result? Forward movement for an entire city. Courage in the face of devastation. Rethinking, rebuilding, reconciliation. As one example among many, the work done at St. Paul's spoke volumes: The power of forgiveness comes from its connection to unselfishness, and this kind of unselfishness can build bridges of peace.
Forgiveness brings physical change for the better.
From why to how
REGARDLESS OF ONE'S DEFINITION—or even the reported benefits of the practice—when push comes to shove, it's the how of forgiveness that really matters. But while speakers had plenty to say about the what and why of pardon, they readily acknowledged that the how was more elusive. Some felt that "seeing our sameness" was the enabling factor. Others touted being kind or refusing to hate as key steps in the forgiving process.
The Reverend Natalia Vonnegut Beck, the conference's associate director, commented that forgiveness is "the place where we 'let God in' " and that doing so reestablishes a sense of wholeness. Her how included steps like "stop the rumination," "live in the now," and "choose between reaction and action."
Speakers on "The Spiritual Panel" also developed the how by articulating the need to "see another as 'brother'" in order to get beyond hurt. One presenter commented, "Prayer and hatred can't go hand in hand, so if you don't want to hate, pray."
Panelist Giulia Plum, a Christian Science practitioner, introduced the idea that the "how" of forgiveness relates directly to a willingness to live—in Mary Baker Eddy's words—as "the image, of Love," or God. Beginning her presentation with this concept of identity-based forgiveness—who each person is, spiritually, as the beloved son or daughter of God—Plum went on to explain that forgiveness, or the desire and ability to be loving, is innate within everyone. The key, to quote Mary Baker Eddy, is "to learn one's self; having done this, one will naturally, through grace from God, forgive his brother and love his enemies." Miscellaneous Writings 1883—1896, p. 129.
It was this notion of grace, of yearning to look past the limitations of a wounded heart or a troubled memory, that came through in several workshops and in comments by conference participants. It showed that true forgiveness must go beyond merely a methodological or cognitive approach.
In his workshop titled "Five Steps to Forgiveness: A Psychoeducational Intervention to Help People Forgive," Dr. Worthington began by explaining his "REACH" method, an acronym that maps out the path from hurt to healing. By "recalling the hurt," "empathizing with the person who hurt you," offering an "altruistic gift of forgiveness," "committing publicly to forgiveness," and "holding on to forgiveness when you doubt," Worthington said, victims can lead healthier, more positive lives. But he was also quick to acknowledge that the REACH approach has its limits. Doubts still surface. Sympathy for the perpetrator may never evolve into love. And what about those who feel unable to forgive?
Worthington himself wrestled with these issues when his mother was murdered. Forgiveness seemed beyond the realm of possibility. There was no reason-based approach powerful enough to ease the feelings of rage and pain. But Worthington, a self-professed Christian, found something in his connection to the Divine that was. Humbly, he asked God to forgive him for the anger that nearly drove him to hurt the man who had murdered his mother. And then, drawing on God's own love for him, Worthington was able to love enough to forgive.
This was more than just "grudge management." By looking to a source much larger and more powerful than a human heart or mind, Worthington moved beyond the realm of reining in negative emotions, past the phase of "coping" or just "getting by."
Could this be possible for anyone?
LATER THAT AFTERNOON, in a workshop titled "Christian Science Healing: How It Restores Health and Rebuilds Relationships," Christian Science practitioners Honor Hill and Giulia Plum, along with Pennsylvania State University College of Medicine professor Dr. David Hufford, answered this question with a resounding yes. Building on three fundamentals—the nature of God, the spiritual nature of each individual, and the relationships between God and His children—the presenters went on to develop a systematic "how to" for spiritually based forgiveness. And they had concrete evidence to support their findings: the story of one woman's path from resentment to forgiveness, and the mental and physical regeneration that followed.
The subject of their story, a woman named Lisa Wyly, lost her hearing during her freshman year in college. At first, she despaired. But then she remembered something foundational: She had a relationship with God. Rather than focus on the deafness, why not explore that relationship more?
Lisa never set out to forgive, but during the process of deepening her understanding of who she was in relation to God, she realized she needed to let go to a long-standing bitterness toward her father. It felt like a tall order. But Lisa was already seeing herself, in her own words, as "a child of God, never separated from Him ... as the reflection, the essence, of what God is." See Journal, March 2003, pp. 20—21. And she knew that this new vision of who she was could and should be reflected in her behavior and character.
He had to love enough to forgive.
Ultimately, it was a willingness to acknowledge the unopposable presence of divine Love in her life and a yielding to that Love that transformed Lisa's vision of her father. But this radical shift in perspective did more than restore—and strengthen—Lisa's relationship with her dad. As she put it, "My angry teenager perspective was gone. It just disappeard in an instant. ... That, I think, was a significant moment in the healing of my hearing loss. After that, I started noticing that I was regaining my hearing."
AS HILL AND PLUM pointed out, there's no secret formula to forgiveness. The "how" of each person's journey is entirely individual. But using Lisa's story as a model captured this: An understanding of each person's spiritual identity as the image of Love is foundational. Because, as Plum explained, letting this spiritual truth work destroyes anything that's contrary to Love and its reflection. That's when healing, restoration, and reconciliation happen.
It takes an inner strength—and a deep trust in the Divine—to experience such powerful results. But as Plum explained it, living the qualities that constitute forgiveness is more than worth the effort. To describe behavior that opens the way to forgiveness, Plum quoted Mary Baker Eddy, who wrote, "Let unselfishness, goodness, mercy, justice, health, holiness, love—the kingdom of heaven—reign within us, and sin, disease, and death will diminish until they finally disappear." Science and Health, p. 248. This epitomizes getting beyond grudge management to a more-than-human love with far-reaching effects.
