After graduate school I hit a wall. It was like I was trapped in a dense fog. This mental confusion was so severe that I actually spent the next couple years in and out of mental institutions. I felt misunderstood, as though no one could relate to me. I lost my sense of identity, a promising career, and many friendships. But even during this time of great darkness, there was help at hand. I could still feel Christ—God's love—embracing me, shining through the darkness as a light I could recognize.
Sometimes this came as a visit from a friend or a talk with a chaplain in the institution where I was a resident. I still remember one ward technician who spent the night walking the floor with me as we shared our faith. The Christlike qualities these individuals were expressing—such as humility, love, and compassion—touched my heart. Like a plant that lifts itself toward the sun, I couldn't help but feel and respond to this light. And slowly, I began to realize that the love these individuals were showing me was proof of something bigger: the presence of God's love, which was already at work within me. I wasn't trapped in darkness, needing to be reached by the Christ. Rather, as a child of God, my consciousness was full of the light of Truth, already Christlike.
I clung to simple ideas about God.
At one point the way opened up for me to go to a Christian Science nursing facility where I felt I could find permanent healing. It was necessary for me to give up the medication that I'd been required to take in the state and county institutions—something I'd wanted to do anyway. I longed to see myself more clearly as a spiritual idea, but it was difficult to do so while the medicine made me feel like I was stuck in a darkened human mind.
At first the withdrawal symptoms were severe, but I was able to work my way through them by my own prayers as well as those of a Christian Science practitioner. I clung to simple ideas about God. The Lord's Prayer with its spiritual interpretation (as given in Science and Health) See Science and Health, pp. 16–17. was particularly helpful. It grounded me and brought me comfort. Slowly, I started to see that God, who is divine Mind, is the only Mind. And that this Mind, which is synonymous with Spirit, is not in matter.
The nurses at the facility also helped me a lot by caring for my various needs. More important, they made me feel loved and supported. This atmosphere kept me focused on God's love for me. And in discovering more of this love, I felt that my thoughts were being purified. I was able to act and think more unselfishly. Knowing God better became the most important activity in my life.
As I followed the counsel of the book of Job—"Acquaint now thyself with him, and be at peace: thereby good shall come unto thee" Job 22:21.—I found I was experiencing greater stability. I had my own apartment at the facility and was able to help others by doing simple nursing tasks. Even when I had to return home prematurely, I continued to make progress. Each day I studied the Bible and Science and Health. I was learning that my true identity was Godlike, that I could never be separated from God's goodness, and that I couldn't have a thought or feeling that didn't originate in this wholly good Mind. This study and spiritual reasoning helped me overcome my most difficult challenge—to stop ruminating over the past and what might have been.
One morning as I prayed, there was a turning point. I felt the presence of the Christ assuring me of God's love and care right there, right then. I realized that my Father-Mother God saw me as His spiritual child—innocent and pure—and that I had no past to regret, nor any future to fear. I felt so certain that as God's idea, I could have no existence separate from Him. This Christ message left me with a great peace and with a desire to live a life more fully devoted to God. As I did, all the remaining symptoms disappeared. I was free. This happened around 30 years ago and the healing has been permanent.
As John writes, "Behold, what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of God .... Beloved, now are we the sons of God." 1 John 3:1, 2. The promise of God's love is for everyone. As I found, even in the darkest hours, God's tender Christ message is there to redeem and save, revealing that each individual is God's beloved son or daughter.
