Nearly twelve years ago, in a time of dire need, Christian Science first came into my home, with healing in its wings. My mother had been an invalid for many years, most of the time a great sufferer, and shortly before the advent of Christian Science into our home she had listened to the ultimatum of her physicians, together with the concurrent opinion of several leading specialists, that her only hope lay in a surgical operation, the alternative being death. My own physical condition was distressing in the extreme, as for years I had not known what it was to be entirely free from pain of some sort, and financial reverses, coupled with my father's increasing ill health, had weighted me with burdens under which I struggled despairingly and with daily increasing bitterness, until I had reached the condition of one "having no hope, and without God in the world."
My parents and myself were church members, and in so far as health permitted, were regular attendants upon the services. Personally, I was addicted to "religious dissipation," and attended many services in the vain hope of finding something that would be of thoroughly practical benefit to me in my honest desire to be obedient to God. Because of continued failure in this, and the endless disappointments which befell me, I was fast becoming an embittered skeptic. I sought the truth which makes free; I became only more vainly entangled in theology, the religion that binds. But one thing remained to my credit,—I spent most of my leisure in obedience to the Master's injunction: "Search the Scriptures," and hoped that I might find therein, life.
Into the discord of our lives came the harmony-bringing influence of Christian Science. Within the space of a few short weeks I saw my father healed from lifelong stomach trouble, from rheumatic trouble of many years' standing, from a cataract which had partially obscured the sight of one eye, and from numerous minor ailments. I saw my mother delivered from the surgeon's knife, released from the bondage of disease, restored to life. I was myself benefited in various ways. And yet, despite all this, I was of those who would not be persuaded, "though one rose from the dead." In my inmost consciousness I knew that Christian Science was the truth; its fruits were proof of that. Yet for almost three years I fought bitterly, though in the main silently, against any outward recognition of this wondrous truth. At times I would almost cease to struggle but some word or thought would stir me to the depths, and my consciousness would again become the battle-ground between truth and error, and I was torn and racked, mentally and physically, until I cried as did the dwellers among the Gadarene tombs, Why art thou come hither to torment me before the time? Truly I was as one possessed, not of seven devils, but of seven times seventy. I had, however, occasional lucid intervals, when I would request, and would usually receive, help from Christian Science treatment. I was in such a condition, however, that at times the treatment apparently had not the least effect, and seemed, as the practitioner afterwards told me, as though it were directed against a stone wall.
During the latter part of this period of struggle, in the hope that an especial effort to do the will of God, as such duty was outlined by the church of which I was a member, would aid me in obtaining that peace of mind and body of which I stood in such need, I had taken a class of boys in a mission school, and was earnestly trying to earn help through the effort to be helpful. The International Lessons were used, and the studies for the quarter were taken from the Gospels, consisting mainly of accounts of the various cases of healing done by Jesus. Almost unconsciously, as I prepared each lesson for presentation to my class, I fell to contrasting the interpretation and acceptance of these accounts by my own church and the Christian Scientists, and was forced to conclude that if "fruits" gave the only true evidence of understanding, the church of my choice had not much but an excellent growth of leaves. However, I refused this admission even to myself, and was even resentful when I saw the manifestation of the power of Truth and Love in the lives of the few Christian Scientists whose acquaintance I could not manage to avoid.
I went one day to my class with the lesson of the healing of the withered hand. Preparation had been difficult; any satisfactory presentation seemed impossible, and only a dogged determination to be in my place kept me from remaining at home. I told the story, as nearly in the words of the Bible as was possible, and was surprised and pleased to find the entire class listening with breathless eagerness. The boys were from ten to fourteen, bright and intelligent, though from very poor families in the so-called "slums." Almost before the narration was finished they were talking and asking questions, not of me but among themselves, and I had taken the place of listener. They discussed the lesson reverently, but freely, and quite as a possible occurrence within the bounds of their own knowledge.
Finally one of the younger boys, who had until then been silent, asked, rather incredulously: "Do you really believe that Jesus healed that man?" A chorus of answers: "Of course he did!" "Do you think he could heal anybody now?" "Why, of course he can!" "Then why don't he heal me?" and the child stretched out a little withered hand, pitifully weak in its puny helplessness, but wielding tremendous power despite that, for it brought the message of the sword instead of the calm of long-sought peace. Shorn of the armor of self-righteousness under which I had so long sheltered, I sat in dumb humiliation before that rebuking cry for aid, realizing bitterly that though I had confessed the name of Christ I had denied the power, and had not only buried, but scornfully ignored, the talent which had been offered for my use. More quickly than I can tell, came the answer from another boy: "He will heal you if you believe in him the way that man did, and stretch your hand out like he did." "But I don't know how!" And every word was full of keenest reproach to me, who might have known, and should have been able to tell him. Fortunately, I think, for me, the time for closing had come.
I went home, sick and miserable, and writhing beneath the most bitter sense of failure I have ever felt. For the first time, so far as I can recall, I voiced the possiblity that I might accept Christian Science. After relating to my mother the scene in the class, I added, "I think I shall either have to be a Christian Scientist, or just quit." The next morning I was too ill to go to my work, and my mother begged me to have help of some kind. I refused to see a physician, and ignored her request that I allow her to call a practitioner. All day I fought, knowing that I was on the losing side, and being "grievously tormented." Late in the evening, exhausted physically and mentally, I dropped asleep, waking shortly in great pain. My mother again asked to be allowed to call a practitioner, but still I hesitated, longing to yield, yet stubbornly determined to continue in my own way. At last, after a long silence, I said, "Yes, call her; but I'm ashamed."
In ten minutes the practitioner was at my side, and to my surprise I felt no resentment at her presence, and was seemingly entirely passive and without resistance. The error had worn itself out, and had nearly worn me out as well. I regained health slowly but surely, and one by one my many physical ills disappeared. In a few weeks I began to attend the Christian Science church, and found in the renewed study of the Bible, in the light of our wonderful text-book, the rest and peace for which I had so long sighed in vain. The surrender of my will was the surrender of my all. There was never any desire to draw back, nor any slightest temptation to turn away, from the path of Life as it is pointed out in Christian Science. Many ailments were tenacious, there were numerous moral defects to be overcome, and while I daily rejoice in ever-increasing progress, I am keenly aware that "there remaineth yet very much land to be possessed," and I have still much to do before I shall have conquered my wilderness and brought it to the blossoming.
I have come to be truly grateful for every pang I suffered in coming into the knowledge of Christian Science, for while my continued resistance to the truth was the cause of this prolonged suffering, my hold upon error was so tenacious that I needed all the beating and the humiliation to teach me true humility. To that one who has in this age brought within the reach of all who will, the wonderful revelation of the truth which maketh free from every form of bondage, may my life attest in deeds the gratitude I have no power to utter.
Denver, Col.
