Early in life I entered the Christian ministry, but twenty years later I turned from it with a sad heart, dissatisfied with myself for not understanding the Bible, God, or even the creed of my church. I loved the church, and today I love her noble, self-sacrificing ministry. To break this strong tie was like going out from home never to return. For several years I drifted from one belief to another, with no abiding peace. A deep sense of solitude and unrest grew upon me; I was constantly longing for something to happen, till life became almost unbearable. I longed for that future which I had been taught to believe settled all human doubts and gave rest; my only hope was in committing my future to a God whom I could not understand; and if I had to wait till after death for reward, I would here follow what I believed to be right with an honest heart. In this I had hope.
Many times have I stood on the very verge of death and smiled, wondering what lay just beyond. I had no fear of death or the pangs of dissolution; it was that awful wall of uncertainty through which I could not look, beyond which I could only guess, that made me cling to the present. I wanted to be good, I think everybody wants to be good. Had it been necessary I would have gone to the stake for a right understanding of God and the Bible; everything I possessed would gladly have been sacrificed for a knowledge of the truth; but all seemed to be beyond the grave. Holding to the belief of good and evil as equal forces at work in the world, I saw running through all events a thread whose end inevitably terminated in evil. My strongest effort to establish right thinking, right living, and right loving, was prompted by a selfish desire to be well thought of and loved in return. Occasional lightning flashes would reveal the course in which I was drifting, and I would see written in no uncertain characters "Remorse;" but to return was impossible, while no honest seeker after truth would dare venture to continue in this course. Thus I was out on the seething sea of human beliefs, without God, without hope; mentally sick, and I did not know it.
In this sad plight I stood at the door of Christian Science and knocked. Briefly, this is why I knocked at that door where the needy may find strength and comfort. I had closed a series of lectures and gone to a neighboring city to rest before going on in my work, and here I came in practical contact for the first time with Christian Science in the home life. So deeply was I impressed with the manifestations of what I saw, and which they said was the direct result of a right application of Christian Science, that I determined to investigate the cause of such marvelous effects. In this determination I think the strongest motive was to be able to meet such demonstrations out in the field of my work. I remember, too, that I had a feeling that I would find in this investigation only another method of reaching their "subjects" through "positive suggestion."
