It Was a rather startling discovery for me. I was in my mid-thirties, happily married for over ten years, when I faced the fact that I allowed my imagination to constantly wander sexually. This was startling to me because I felt it was not a normal, natural, or moral thing to be doing. Even though I had a beautiful and affectionate wife, I seemed to have an insatiable appetite for closeness and affection. And the result of this was that I always had some woman I secretly daydreamed about and imagined having a sexual encounter with. This disturbed me.
It may seem odd for me to say it was a discovery that I was thinking this way. But what I mean is that this had been such a part of my way of thinking for so long that it never struck me as something I was "doing." It just seemed a natural part of life—and worse, a natural part of my identity.
At the time of this discovery, I'd been dedicating a large part of my day to prayer for myself and others. I'd seen how deep prayer often exposes thoughts that need healing. So my realization that day gave me some hope for healing, even though I also felt overwhelmed by the enormousness of the task. This was probably the most disturbing behavior I'd ever uncovered, especially since it felt so intertwined with my identity. Yet I knew my whole life would improve if I could find my freedom.
