Today many people who are contemplating marriage are asking themselves: How can I be sure that this is true love and not mere infatuation? How can I be sure it will be lasting? Is this love or only a counterfeit of the real thing?
Let us ask ourselves: Can we truly love anyone without first of all seeing him as he is in true being, divine Love's perfect expression, therefore truly loving and wholly lovable? No, we cannot. Because this is true, genuine love is an unfoldment, not a sudden impulse or passing whim. Rather, it is an emanation of spiritual Love and is based on mutual understanding, not physical attraction.
A happily married woman of the writer's acquaintance, after more than two decades of' marriage, declared, "We love each other more with each passing year." Such is the love that unfolds and grows—and never stops unfolding—with each succeeding year. For it reflects in some measure that Love which is eternal. Nothing less than such love is really a sound basis for marriage.
"I make strong demands on love," writes Mary Baker Eddy in her article "Love" (Miscellaneous Writings, pp. 249, 250), "call for active witnesses to prove it, and noble sacrifices and grand achievements as its results. Unless these appear, I cast aside the word as a sham and counterfeit, having no ring of the true metal." Here, indeed, is a challenge and criterion which all who are contemplating marriage may profitably and prayerfully ponder. One must rise into true love; he must be inspired by it; it must prove itself to be far more than mere infatuation or sexual attraction.
Do we love truly, purely, steadfastly, unselfishly? Is our love made manifest in "noble sacrifices and grand achievements"? If not, it is not genuine and should not be mistaken for such. Paul gives us some very good tests to determine whether what we call love is really love or only "a sham and counterfeit, having no ring of the true metal," when he writes in his first epistle to the Corinthians (13:4, 5, 7), "Charity [love] suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; . . . beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things."
So important did Mrs. Eddy consider the subject of marriage that she has devoted an entire chapter in "Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures" to its consideration. Would that this chapter were a "must" on the reading list of every prospective bride and groom! In this chapter our Leader tenderly counsels (p. 59): "Matrimony should never be entered into without a full recognition of its enduring obligations on both sides. There should be the most tender solicitude for each other's happiness, and mutual attention and approbation should wait on all the years of married life." And our Leader continues farther on: "After marriage, it is too late to grumble over incompatibility of disposition. A mutual understanding should exist before this union and continue ever after, for deception is fatal to happiness."
Mere human affection is changeable, undependable. And let us remember that any "deception is fatal to happiness." Also, to worship or covet human personality is to invite trouble to our doorstep. To love aright is to woo happiness and abiding harmony to our hearthside and family relationships.
A truly happy marriage cannot be established on the basis of physical attraction because, deep within, every individual craves, and for truly satisfying living demands, something so much higher and better than matter has to offer. Science and Health tells us (pp. 60, 61): "Soul has infinite resources with which to bless mankind, and happiness would be more readily attained and would be more secure in our keeping, if sought in Soul. Higher enjoyments alone can satisfy the cravings of immortal man. We cannot circumscribe happiness within the limits of personal sense. The senses confer no real enjoyment. The good in human affections must have ascendency over the evil and the spiritual over the animal, or happiness will never be won."
It is right that those embarking on the sea of matrimony should expect to have smooth sailing and find true happiness. The desire for true happiness and contentment, for satisfaction, peace, home, and completeness, is indeed legitimate. There is certainly nothing wrong about a right desire. And it is indeed right to express happiness and satisfaction, for they are qualities of immortal Love and therefore inherent in Love's reflection, man.
Mortals are prone to seek devious ways of attaining happiness. It would seem that they turn in every direction but the right one to satisfy the wholly natural desire for happiness and contentment. They look to matter for pleasure and satisfaction, but the fact is that they are not to be found therein, for "the senses confer no real enjoyment."
Only as the spiritual has ascendency over the sensual in our lives can we find true satisfaction, uninterrupted joy,' lasting happiness, a true sense of home, adequate companionship, and joyous, unblighted completeness. We learn the real joy of living only as we find our true life in Spirit, God, the only real attraction. Therein we find spiritual peace, besides which there is no other.
It requires great humility to be a truly loving companion; it demands much self-purification, much self-renunciation, much heart-searching. It may be asked at this point, What exactly is true companionship? Certainly a good example is given in the Bible (I Sam. 18:1) where we read that "the soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul." Here were mutual understanding, common interests, kindred thoughts, joyous oneness—true companionship.
Absolutely speaking, marriage is understood in Science to be man's at-one-ment with God, his unity with Love. (See Miscellaneous Writings, p. 286.) Therefore only as one identifies himself with God, omnipotent good, and thus demonstrates man's oneness with God, Love, by expressing Godlike qualities, can he find abundant good, truly satisfying companionship, joyous living, hopes fulfilled, and enduring happiness in marriage.
Perfect man is the very embodiment of Love's qualities. Keeping constantly before his thought the perfection of man as Love's expression, let each one endeavor more fully to express the qualities of Love divine. Each partner in marriage should be strong without being domineering, patient without becoming resigned, loving without being possessive, discerning without being unduly critical, loyal to his or her highest sense of good without becoming smug about it, and pure without having any self-righteous attitude about it.
Thus, when the confused and uncertain heart asks, "How can I be sure?" Christian Science answers in the words of the Bible (Prov. 3:5, 6): "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."
Let the one who is not quite sure in regard to a contemplated marriage ask himself, or herself: Have I earnestly sought divine guidance in this matter? Is my thought free from jealousy, envy, pride, lack of faith? Do we have common aims in life, mutual interests, kindred tastes? Is my thought, and consequently my attitude, tinged with the lovely rainbow hues of mutual understanding, kindness, thoughtfulness, patience, tenderness, forbearance? Has my love given me a greater sense of sincerity and honesty and true humility? Does my love inspire me to give the very best of which I am capable? Is my love selfless? Have I carefully considered the effect this marriage may have on my own growth in grace, its effect on others, on future generations, even on the world? Would this marriage advance, not hinder, my spiritual growth?
If, after careful heart-searching, both parties can answer these questions in the affirmative, if there is "tender solicitude for each other's happiness," and particularly if, as students of Christian Science, they have both thoroughly studied the chapter on Marriage and feel ready and willing to be humbly obedient to its wise counsel, then they can be sure.
United by mutual understanding and pure affection, they can be wedded together in matrimony. They can take the nuptial vow with confidence that theirs will be a lasting, happy union because, first of all, it is based on an understanding of man's unity with God and man's unity with man as Love's reflection.
