For many years I struggled with suicidal depression, intense anxiety, and low self-esteem. I ached to understand who I was. I grew up attending Christian Science Sunday School, but I wrestled with questions like “Why did God make me who I am?” “Who really loves me?” “Who notices me and cares that I’m taking up space?”
I had so many questions, but I struggled to fully embrace what I’d learned in Christian Science, because most of what I’d read in the Bible and in the Christian Science textbook, Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures by Mary Baker Eddy, was about God. I didn’t want to know any more about God. I wanted to know about my own identity, and that felt completely disconnected from what I had grown up hearing about how God created all of us—that we are good, and loved by Him.
I often had breakdowns in which I would spiral, cry, and feel so deeply unhappy. Frequently, these would lead to me texting a friend, seeking validation. It was embarrassing to ask friends what they thought of me, and I’d never really believe their kind words anyway. Rather than finding encouragement, I would come away from these exchanges feeling even more restless and unhappy.
